This is scientific.
A sliver of used pizza
You can never take an entire slice, that's just bad juju, you fucking monster. What you can do is cut a sliver of a slice. Be like a surgeon. Be precise. Don't fuck it up!
Any type of chip
Chips are easy to take but just make sure you don't eat “all the good ones.” By “the good ones,” I mean the ones that aren't all crumpled up on the bottom of the bag.
Anything in a Ziploc bag
Ziploc bags are your best friend is you're the shitty food stealing roommate. A handful of whatever's in a full bag is up for grabs. For example, crackers. You can have a bunch of bagged crackers. Your roommate isn't gonna snap if you eat a fucking cracker.
One square from a candy bar
ONLY. ONE. If you take any more you're a pos.
In my opinion, milk should always be communal…unless you drink literal glasses of it. In that case, you are obsessed with dairy and should check that out.
Any kind of spice
Like milk, spices should be communal unless you chug pepper or something.
A shot of liquor
ONLY. A. SHOT. If you take any more than a shot then you should be shot!!! (But not really because I'm anti-gun violence.)
A small glass of wine
So, people KNOW how much wine they have left when they put a cork back into it. That said, it's pretty easy to get a small glass. That also said, it's also kind of stupid because who wants just one baby glass of wine. Go out and get your own, you goof.
Condiments are like spices and milk, it should always be communal!
Sometimes you just need a little EVOO. Sometimes you run out. Sometimes you have to take it from your roommate.
An egg or two
Any more and you better run out and buy a dozen immediately.
A baked good
If they bake like brownies or something, chances are they will be okay with you having one. If you eat like five of their cookies, then you should watch out. You will be cyber bullied.
A piece of any Easter or Christmas candy they receive from relatives
No, we're not talking about taking a fucking ear from their chocolate Easter bunny. We are talking one or two mini peanut butter cups.
One bowl of cereal
Cereal is a pretty easy food to steal from a roommate because you can't really see *how much* is in the box. That said, most people can *tell* how much their cereal weighs. Be stealthy.
A scoop of ice cream, but not like the “meat” of the work
Ice cream is one of the most stolen roommate foods. On no condition should you finish a roommate's pint of ice cream. If you want to take ONE SCOOP then that's fine, but you should never, EVER, take like a huge chunk of cookie dough or brownie. That's messed up.
A small plate of leftovers (depending on the situation)
Fried rice? Yes. Pizza? A sliver (not a full slice). Buffalo wings? Nope. Only if there's a dozen. It all depends on the type of food. If you are stealing a UNIT of the food, like one full chicken finger, that's a big FUCK NO.
Two cookies (like from a package of cookies)
If you have a package of like 24 cookies and it has already been opened…then it's OK to have like two. Put that on my tombstone!
Peanut butter is, in my opinion, one of the easiest foods to steal. They'll never know if you take A SCOOP (and only a scoop!).
Cheese is my favorite thing to take from a roommate. It's also the most risky. The problem with cheese is that you can only take a sliver, if you take more than that they will be really fucking pissed because having your cheese stolen is the worst. The absolute fucking worst.