Congratulations on finding someone who loves you unconditionally and provides support like no other. People like that are really rare and…wait, what?! Your significant other isn’t an actual person, you say? Ahhh, we see: You’re in love with your bed. Well, now that’s a rather unusual romantic route, but who are we to doubt that your sweet sleeping spot has given you plenty of reassurance to know it’s actually really love?

Signs you’re deep in bed love: The flushed expression on your face has us convinced that your bed is actually the best place on Earth, and you’re constantly suppressing the urge to yawn. Meanwhile, staying in bed all day is the only thing you want to do these days, and we’re quietly wondering whether you’ve assigned a pet name to your bed and when you’re gonna take it to meet the folks.

Perhaps that will happen one of these days, but for now, you prefer to indulge in the fluffy, pillow-adorned love of your life all by your lonesome. It was true love at first nap, and the signs are that you two are in this thing for the long haul are absolutely undeniable.

For many folks, there are legitimate reasons behind their resistance to concede to a pesky alarm and get the hell out of bed each morning, such as depression, a deep-seated resentment for their job, not being a morning person… The list goes on. But for you in particular, the bottom line is that you are so smitten with your bed that savoring every bit of comfort it provides comes before any and everything else.

Before snuggling up to a nice, warm body, you have to shuffle around that stack of papers and your laptop, the empty dinner plate, the half-full water bottle you sipped from (yesterday?), and the pile of clean laundry.

This could be us on the couch, but ya know, the bed is way roomier, allows for non-stop tossing and turning without the risk of rolling off onto the floor and doesn’t leave us with a stiff neck in the morning. No contest who has our heart.

This is non-negotiable: You don’t allow anyone else in your bed, not even your mom who flew all the way across the country to visit, or your dog that *really* wants some cuddle-and-belly rub time. Exceptions are sometimes made for people you’re sleeping with, but you honestly hope they know how lucky they are.

And fully accepts you in either form.

In fact, bedtime is the guaranteed highlight of every single day of your life.

There’s no need for a formal proposal, a ring, or a wedding. The connection between you and your bed is unspoken and deeper than any love you’ve ever known.

Not that you’ve noticed, but your friends feel neglected and unheard because you continually interrupt their tales of workplace woes, relationship issues, and talk of weekend plans with starry-eyed stories about the close bond you and your bed share and all the great shit you did together last weekend.

Tickets to a movie premiere? Invites to a fancy schmancy restaurant. Your (human) crush finally asked you out? Um, thanks but no thanks because your bed really needs you right now.

What’s that? Oh, we understand. You couldn’t hear us over the soft, wispy sound of a plush pillow top beckoning you home.