1. The “Facebook is Going to Start Charging Me Unless I Copy and Paste This Legal Notice” Post
This “legal notice” you just copy and pasted stating you don’t give Facebook permission to own your photos is even more legally ridiculous than any episode of Judge Judy. I have a feeling you respond to those spam Craigslist emails letting you know you’ve inherited $10 million from the King of Tajikistan. Stop.
2. The “Prayers Please” Post
Can you be a little more specific? If I’m going to have a direct line into God for you He’s gonna want some details. Stop.
3. The “Let’s See Who Reads My Wall” Post
No I won’t comment back the first place we met and what your favorite color is. I saw what you wrote. I’m ignoring you. You’re a grownup. Stop.
4. The “I Have the Best Husband/Wife Ever” Post
Do you now? Someone dost protest too much, methinks. Stop.
5. The “I Just Cleaned Out My Facebook Friends…If You’re Reading This, You’re Welcome” Post
Like we should be so grateful. Thank God I’m still here to see and read that you’re still making bad decisions on the regular. Stop.
6. The “Default Picture Update Every Damn Day” (with the same head tilt)
When you’ve maxed out the number of filters one photo can accept, it’s time to reconsider your life choices. Stop.
7. The “I Believe Everything That’s Shared” Post
Nope, the Dalai Lama wasn’t caught dancing with the Taco Bell dog to protest Ferguson right before a major baby food recall. Stop.
8. The “My Team is the Best” Rant When, Let’s Be Honest, You Know the Bare Minimum About the Game In General
Provide just one stat and I’ll believe you. Just one. And the color of the uniform doesn’t count. You’re foolish. We all know it. Stop.
9. The “De-Friend” and then the “Re-Friend”
Yeah, I’m all set, but thanks. Stop.
10. The “I Post Everything From My Own Website on My Facebook Page”
11. The “7 Years Ago Today My Wife and I Stood in Front of Our Family and Friends and Declared Our Undying Love for Each Other and Blah Blah Blah” Post
Really? Cuz you were publicly fighting at the bar the night before and I’m pretty sure the c-word was used. Stop.
12. The “Witty Birth Announcement”
Yep, we see the extra pair of shoes in front of the fireplace. Stop.
13. The “I’m Deleting Facebook at the End of the Week” Post
Sh*t or get off the pot. Stop.
14. The “I’m Checking in Everywhere I Go” Post
We get it. You’ve been places, but I’m embarrassed for you when you checked in at Johnny Rockets. Stop.
15. The Passive Aggressive “I’m So Over It” Post
Over what? This status update? Stop.
16. The “Taking a Picture of Whatever Gross Growth on Your Body and Asking Your Friends to Identify What They Think is Wrong With You” Post
First, you’re gross. Second, use this time to travel to the ER and not uploading photos on Facebook. Third, stop.
17. The “Does Anyone Know What Time Walgreens Opens” Post
Um, this isn’t Google, dipsh*t. Stop being so lazy. Plus, this makes me question how good you could possibly be at your job. Stop.
18. The “Dog With the Black Eye” Post
Posting pictures of abused animals online? Cool. Stop.
19. The “Heathy Food You Just Made” Post
Nice! Now go back to binge eating in your dark basement. Stop.
20. The “Political Rant” Post
You literally know nothing. We all suffer from secondhand embarrassment for you. Stop.